I can’t believe it has been 3 years already. On this day 3 years ago was when I lost my very first baby…gosh, I still remember the day vividly. In a way, it seems like just yesterday; but in a way, it also feels like a lifetime.
Friday, March 17th, 2006:
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and had stopped worrying that something might go wrong. I was excited about life and the new life growing inside of me. I went to work that evening, feeling fine. I went to the restroom a few hours after beginning my shift, and saw that I was spotting a little. I didn’t think too much of it, but went back to my desk and decided to give my doctor a call. I called her and was advised to go to the ER. I then called my husband and had him follow me to be checked out at an after hours clinic.
We went to an Urgent Care place first, but, after briefly seeing me, they advised us we needed to go to a hospital instead. So I left my car there and rode to St. Francis Hospital with hubby. I remember feeling a little panicky but feeling pretty good. I still remember a couple that was there also, waiting to be seen, and the older gentleman looked like he was in a bit of pain, but I was the one who was seen first because of the pregnancy. (I felt bad for him)
They drew my blood and did the other normal stuff, then we waited around for what seemed like forever. They also brought in an ultrasound machine… I still remember the doctor performing the ultrasound while looking a little puzzled at the screen, then he suddenly shut the screen off. He told me the baby just wasn’t in a good position to be seen and he was not really an OB doctor so he probably just wasn’t doing it right. My mom was working at the hospital that night and she came down to see me. We waited a little longer, then the doctor came in one last time, saying he was discharging me. He gave no explanation except that I might *possibly* be having a miscarriage, I needed to go home and get some rest, and see my doctor on Monday. I was confused because I thought he’d at least be able to give me some better information than that! We went home, puzzled, but still feeling pretty good, thinking the doctor was just kind of dumb and didn’t know what he was talking about.
(I later learned that they had taken my Blood HCG levels. They were down so low that the doctor KNEW I was having a miscarriage and the baby couldn’t possibly be alive, which he also knew with the ultrasound where he pretended to not know what he was doing – he just didn’t have the balls to tell me.)
It was a long weekend. I called my OB Doctor first thing Monday morning. She got me an afternoon appointment. Mom went with Daryl and I to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling pretty good about the pregnancy, and convinced nothing was wrong, talking and laughing with my mom and hubby. When we finally got called into the room, which seemed like forever, I held my breath while she was doing the ultrasound. Very shortly into it, with hardly any emotion and no compassion, she simply said, “There is no heartbeat.” And wow…my world just came crashing down around me. I felt like my heart stopped beating and I started sobbing my eyes out. After looking at me like I was an alien, the doctor left the room to give us some privacy. My mom cried with me and my husband just held me. When the doctor came back, she said I needed to think about a D&C Surgery since I was so far along. I was then led to another room to the lady who makes appointments for surgery. I remember sitting in her office, sobbing more than I ever had in my life, while she calmly explained the procedure and scheduled a day for it (which was the next day or the day after). I was so hesitant to work with her because I knew that would mean the end for the baby, and I wasn’t willing to give him up yet! I had so much love for my baby and wanted to be able to do the things that normal parents do… I wasn’t willing to accept the facts. But I finally gave in, and once everything was settled, we were allowed to leave out the back way. (Thank God, because who wants to see a sobbing patient, who was just told her baby died, walking out of an OB doctor’s office filled with happily pregnant women?)
I remember sitting in the parking lot in hubby’s car, clutching the ultrasound pic I had been given, which was the last picture I’d ever have of my beautiful baby. My sister sent me a text saying something like “hey sis, how’s my nephew?”. I believe I replied with something like “dead” (how’s that for tact? sorry sis!). I was in so much anguish I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Hubby was hungry and I hadn’t eaten, so we stopped by Chile’s on the way home. I was still crying a little… I remember the waitress coming to the table and I was choking on saying my order. I then looked up at her and said that I just found out I was having a miscarriage (as if she knew me or cared) – I continued crying and tried to make it through the meal.
The days went on, I had my surgery, but I was never the same. I spent hours and hours over the next month just sobbing and sobbing. I had Daryl lay with me on many nights while I sobbed myself to sleep. He was so comforting! I couldn’t understand why this had happened and I blamed myself, thinking there were things I could have done differently or that I had somehow caused this. I remember people telling me that I could just try again, it would happen when it was the right time, it wasn’t the end of the world, etc — BTW dont EVER tell someone that, that’s really the most cruel thing you can say to someone in my position. I just needed people to hold me while I cried or to tell me that they were very sorry for my loss, even though most people couldn’t possibly know what I was going through. I remember a few days after my surgery, my husband had to go to work one evening. I didn’t want to be alone, and he didn’t want me to either, so I asked my best friend and her husband (and their infant, as things would have it, but they couldn’t very well leave him at home) to come sit with me for a while while hubby did his work stuff. I remember her and I sat in my computer room and we talked and I just cried and cried and cried while she just listened to me and let me cry on her shoulder — friends like that are amazing, that meant so much to me, I’m so blessed to have her in my life. But I knew I was headed for a long and painful road and I just didn’t want to endure it.
Little did I know how long and painful road that would be! I went through a surgery to remove Endometriosis and a vaginal septum 2 months later. In the next 3 years, I had 4 additional miscarriages and 2 additional D&C’s. We spent thousands of dollars on Fertility Doctors and treatments, and of no avail.
I got the job I am currently at just 5 months after my first miscarriage. It was still a tough time for me and I remember going into the bathroom often, crying about my baby and grieving over him. A few months after starting my new job, I found out that my best friend was pregnant with her second child, and also in the first month of trying! I remember finding out the news at work… I was so upset and jealous and sad for myself. I wanted a baby so bad and we were having so many problems. I remember talking to a coworker about it the day I found out, and she gently told me that she was sorry for my loss, but I needed to be happy for my friend, and this was about her, not me. (ouch! but that was actually very good advice.)
Since 2006 I’ve had many friends pregnant with me, including my sister, all of whom have gone on to have their babies, while I was left with nothing but heartbreak. I couldn’t help but be jealous of them. I thought my time would never come. Time does help heal wounds, but nothing ever completely takes it away. The hurt was so deep and the anguish was so heart wrenching – I don’t know that anyone could understand, unless they have been through one themselves — but thats not to discount their support, because some of the best support I got was from people who have never been through this.
I know, though chromosomal testing, that the babies I lost were 2 boys with chromosomal disorders, 1 completely healthy girl, and 2 unknowns (those were the 2 natural miscarriages, and they SUCK and are very painful, by the way). I will never, ever forget my first. It got slightly easier with each miscarriage, but they all hurt in their own way.
And here I am now, 3 years later, a completely different person, more mature and grown up, and definitely more jaded. The day my sister gave birth to her second child in December of 2008 was the day I found out that my new pregnancy hormone levels looked good, better than with any other pregnancy, and I might have a chance at actually having the baby I was newly pregnant with! And now today I’m almost halfway through my 6th pregnancy and everything looks good so far! I can’t be happier or any more thankful that God has finally blessed me with a baby that at least looks like it has a chance of survival. I don’t know why it has happened this way, but I am ever so grateful. I know I will love this child more than I can ever imagine. It has been a long, painful journey…but in the end, God does know what He is doing, and I am thankful for that!
Bonnie's Crazy Life 